I know some people are all “I’m not making a New Years Resolution b/c I’ll just break it.” I, however, am not like that. I like reviewing my life and deciding what I can do better. And when I don’t meet all of those goals, I don’t beat myself up.

So for the year of 2012, My Resolutions:

1) Do nice things for the people I love. I kinda have a goal to do something nice for MrC at least once a day. A couple days ago, I moved the truck so he could park his car in the garage. Nothing HUGE but still… it’s something nice that he didn’t have to ask me to do. I know some days will be a challenge for this. (Like last night when I considered my ‘nice thing’ to be not calling him an asshole. To his face.)

2) Go visit my sister in Nashville. So she hasn’t exactly invited me yet but I got her and my nephews passes to the Nashville Zoo. So I’m thinking I may go down there one weekend to go with them to the zoo and hang out. I’ve never been down to see her or my nephews so hey, it’s about time.

3) Volunteer to watch my nieces & nephews. This is sort of terrifying. For everyone involved. But I can imagine that if I was a parent, I would love for someone to volunteer to watch my kids (for free) while I go out with friends or the significant other.

4) Take the dogs for a walk at least twice a week. The dogs LOVE to go on walks. But with as much as I’ve been working, I don’t get home until after dark. I need to work on this.

5) Send a birthday card to every single sibling this year. And my nieces & nephews. I’m really bad about buying a birthday card, signing it, and then it sits on my desk. I can’t put money in every card b/c well… that’s a lot of money. But I can at least send a card. Also, I’m already one behind on this one since my youngest nephew’s birthday was yesterday. Gah.

6) Go see the Hunger Games movie with HFriend. I only see HFriend once or so a year. And every time I do, I’m always like “You know, I really like her. She’s fabulous.” And then I only see her once the next year too. But this year we saw each other TWICE and on the second time we realized our mutual love for the Hunger Games books. So we set a date to go see the movie. And I’m NOT. GOING. TO. FLAKE. OUT. HFriend is my oldest friend (since elementary–ish) and the fact that we still see each other sometimes amazes me.

7) Visit my grandma. She’s my last remaining grandparent and I honestly like visiting with her. She always has stories to tell or funny things she remembers. I need to make time to see her.

Go to the doctor. ALL OF THEM. I haven’t been to the dentist since I started at my new job. Gross.. but I HATE finding a new dentist. I haven’t found one that I’ve loved since the dentist I had when I lived at my parents house. I did, however, finally find an eye doctor that I love. And he’s even in our town. And there’s no dermatologist within like 40 miles of my house but I’m determined to find one. My face has been breaking out since I got this job last October. It’s getting ridiculous.

9) Save more money. MrC and I make decent money. Since we have 2 houses, our savings potential is limited but we should be saving more than what we are. I’m thinking about getting Dave Ramsay’s book b/c I’m not doing a good job of keeping track of what we spend on groceries or going out. Since I’m in charge of the money, I need to get things under control.

10) Lastly, I want to lose weight. Gah. That’s been one every year and I kept it for last b/c it’s BORING and something everyone wants to do. But we’re going on a cruise in May and they take SO. MANY. pictures of you when you’re on a cruise. (Dinners, excursions, etc) On our last cruise, I would look at every one of them and think “I hate my body”. This year, I don’t want to do that. I have 5 months. My goal is to be running 5 miles at the end of those 5 months. Those that know me know that I hate running distance… I was always a sprinter. So it’ll be a challenge.

11) Oh! I thought of one more. This year, I want to ride a horse again. I love riding horses. I’m not good at it and most of the time it terrifies me. But I did take some lessons and even if it’s just a trail ride on a horse that wouldn’t go faster than a walk for no amount of sugar cubes… well, that’s okay.

What about you? What are your resolutions?

::Cue awkward re-entry into the blogging world::

I don’t think it’s any secret to the people close to me that I was in a gray cloud for about a year. Nothing made me happy anymore. My mood flipped so quickly and often that even I was tired of it. MrC began expecting to get yelled at every day. He made a comment once along the lines of “Oh, surprise surprise… you’re mad at me again.” And, for the most part, MrC does not make comments like that. At the same time, I KNEW I was being irrational. I just couldn’t stop it.

I thought about going on some kind of medicine to help me out of my funk…but I didn’t want to be the girl who walks into a doctor’s office and demands she be put on some medicine. So instead I just kept looking for the sunshine through the clouds, knowing that it was my issues to deal with and figure out. It’s hard to imagine the point where you realize that nothing makes you happy anymore. The chickens just became another chore, not something that made me smile. Photography was something else for me to fail at, instead of being something I loved. I used to start fights in my head with MrC…twisting something he said earlier that day until it was unrecognizable as anything except obvious hatred. I began thinking of things to say that were passive agressive at best but were usually more hateful than anything.

MrC and I had two big fights during this time. One was at Cumberland in which my mom drove 4 hours to come get me. That was the first time I told MrC that he could have the lake house and I would take the house-house. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know how unhappy I was without me coming out and saying it. I was done, I kept repeating to everyone. Done.

The next day, we talked. But I didn’t tell him everything. I wanted to get it straightened out in my head before I told him everything. I wanted it to make sense. And then weeks passed without me telling him and I realized nothing had changed. I was still unhappy. I was beginning to resent him for things even I couldn’t pinpoint. The big thing that kept sticking out in my mind was that we had been together for over 5 years and still never talked about marriage. But knowing myself, I also knew that marriage was never an issue with me when we were happy. It only became a sticky point when I was unhappy and looking for reasons to tear apart our relationship.

The second fight happened after MrC’s High School Reunion. It was a combination of many things but the night ended with MrC yelling at me that we needed to get separate loans. I agreed. I drove us home in silence and MrC slept on the couch that night.

The next morning, I woke up with the pit in my stomach, knowing that it could’ve been the last night MrC and I slept in the same house. I was crying softly when he came to the bedroom door and in a gruff voice said “I’m going to fix some breakfast. Do you want something?” (Men!)

I said no, which is probably when he realized I was crying. He left for a minute then came back and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I most certainly did.

MrC didn’t remember saying that we needed to separate our loans but he pointed out that I was the one to say that at Cumberland and that he was just repeating what I had said. I told him I had been wrong, that that should never have been an option to me. That the first option should’ve been to work things out. (It was then I realized that I had done the equivalent of bringing up a divorce in a marriage. Not good) I told him I was tired of being the bad guy and that he always acted like I was trying to ruin his fun. I told him that none of those people laughing at his stupidity (like squealing the truck tires in our driveway with people in the back after he’d been drinking) would be trying to figure out how to pay the mortgage bills if he got thrown in jail. That it would be ME trying to figure all that out… trying to keep everything together while he was in jail for 3 months for violating his probation.

He said some things too… like how I had to tell him this stuff instead of keeping it bottled in until I exploded. (And I explained that when I did try to talk to him, he had a bad habit of shutting down and telling me he didn’t want to talk about it).

I don’t know when the clouds lifted… but I know it had to do with our last big argument.

The past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed how small things make me happy again. I laugh when one of the animals does something funny. I was excited for Thanksgiving b/c I was excited to see my family. I’m excited for Christmas b/c I love the gifts we got everyone. I get giddily happy about small, dumb things… the way I did before. MrC has also made some changes… instead of making a scene when I ask him to help me fold laundry, he helps. When I tell him something, he listens.

Being happy again makes me realize how bad things really were with me. I was unhappy for more than a year. I had small moments of happiness but they were usually overshadowed by my negative attitude the next second. I feel worst for MrC who bore the brunt of my unhappiness but couldn’t help me b/c I wouldn’t tell him what I was feeling. I can’t imagine waking up every day knowing that the person I love was going to yell at me for something. And yet he never once said anything about breaking up. I did.

Going through what I did makes me appreciate the many people out there who suffer from depression. I probably had a mild case of it. And it was bad. Knowing you’re unhappy, knowing that you’re not yourself… but not being able to do anything about it…. that’s the worst feeling in the world.

I know that this won’t be the only time I’m unhappy. I know it won’t be the worst thing I go through. But knowing that I have someone like MrC who I know will be by my side (even if he’s getting yelled at the entire time) lets me know that I can get through it.

 Feel free to tell me if you went through a rough period.

MrC and I are in a fight.

Well, not really a fight. More of a ‘not talking and laying far apart in bed so we don’t touch’ type of thing.

It probably started on the way down to the lake when I was trying to talk to him about his weirdness lately and he flipped out and yelled at me telling me I needed to quit being (and I quote) “ME ME ME”. (Granted, I had asked him twice in an hour and a half but shit!)  

It probably got worse when him and all the guys (all a couple years younger than him) were underneath the pontoon in what they like to call the ‘Man Cave’ talking about marriage and I don’t remember what MrC said (I hate that… I get really mad about something and then I can’t remember exactly what he said and then I have no argument) but whatever it was was something along the lines of “We’re never getting married” which led to the younger guys teasing each other that they should get married so they could have a party and that Guy3 should marry his girlfriend b/c they had been together for 2 years which OMG- was a long time and therefore it was time. (For those who don’t know, MrC and I have been together 5+ years)

It didn’t help when he thought he was being funny and instead of asking me if I wanted a drink like a good boyfriend should, he pulled my bathing suit bottoms to moon everyone. (Seriously. Not one word to me in 2 hours and he gets back on the boat while I’m laying out and does that)

It probably didn’t make things better when I made a probation officer joke when he said he was just going to leave me in the middle of the lake. (What? I thought it’d be funny/passive-aggressive to threaten in that case to call his probation officer)

It REALLY didn’t help when he squealed the truck tires AND THEN threw gravel in a 1/4-donut-move when he pulled in the driveway. After he’d been drinking. With even drunker people sitting on the back of the truck.

And then it finally boiled over when I pointed at the tire marks in the driveway (I was trying SO. HARD. to just wait until the next day when he was sober to talk about it) and said “Do you really think that was a good idea?” and he started yelling about my probation officer joke saying that I made him feel like a real man making a joke like that.

Combine that with the fact that he always uses “I” or “mine” when talking about OUR things and I can probably stay mad for a good week at least. EVERYTHING is “his” anymore. Except when it’s something I did. For example: “I’ll go get my boat out.” Or “I’m going to bring my truck over.” or “You can come over to my house”. But when I took pictures for a friend and then gave them to her? He was telling everyone that “We took some pictures for them.” (For those who don’t know, we have a boat, a truck, and TWO HOUSES together that he likes to call “his”, even though he has no idea what the monthly payments are on any of those things)

I didn’t even kiss him good-bye this morning.

Me: 1 Him: 0

So, I’m in Japan.

For work, of course. I would never have chosen Japan as a tourist destination (I would’ve picked Italy, or maybe Greece) but when work is willing to pay for my airfare (business class!), my train rides, AND give me $65 a day to eat on? Well, okay then.

The bad part is that I’m here for 2 weeks, which is a long time in “Country-Girl-Who-Likes-To-Be-At-Home” time. The good part is that it’s already been a week and a half and I’m down to 4 more days before I go home. Suh-weet!

Japan is totally different than what I thought it would be. It’s taken me about a week to get used to things around here and now that I am, I feel pretty at ease. Of course we are with a Japanese manager who is the bomb-diggity and has been great about answering my questions and ordering me American food when I have this OMG- NOT ANOTHER NOODLE look in my eye. He’s also been good about asking for Rum-and-Cokes and Whisky-And-Cokes when they are not necessarily on the menu.

 The Japanese are so NICE. When we get to a hotel, the people behind the desk will RUN to their place to be able to help us. And there is no tipping anywhere. The Japanese culture takes pride in their work so no matter what they do, they are focused on making sure YOU are happy. It’s been fabulous. And I know I will realize how fabulous it is when we get back to the states and someone gives me the “Omg- I hate my job and I hate you for making me have to work” look.

Sushi? Is not as popular as you may think over here. In fact, we haven’t had it once. My Japanese manager said that that is probably the biggest misconception about the Japanese and that in reality, they only eat sushi every once in a while. Since this is all I heard before I left (”I hope you like Sushi! That’s all they have!”) I think he’s very correct in this misconception.

Wifi? Is very rare over here. I had fully intended to use Skype to save money on calling MrC… but we have only found Wifi available in one place (Seattle’s Best Coffee in Tokyo) which is how I was able to upload my ‘first female urinal’ picture onto facebook. So instead I’ve been calling him from my hotel which is 50yen or around $0.65 a minute or so.

For those who didn’t see my female urinal picture on facebook, here it is:

I had been warned that in some places there was simply a hole in the ground and no toilet paper, so I had some TP with me at all times (this one had toilet paper though!) But I was still shocked when I saw this. At least there were handles to hold onto. And actually, I prefer these to port-o-pots. And at least they flushed.

The food is different, but good. So at first I wanted pizza like it was my last day on Earth. Then my manager explained that he thinks when you are hungry, you want American food… and then once your hunger subsides you are more willing to try new things. He is totally right. And my brain has finally accepted that I will not STARVE if I don’t get a pizza. (And I’ve gotten better about speaking up and ordering french fries when I need to). A couple of things I’ve tried:

• Cow Tongue (better than expected, tasted like roast beef)
• Squid (not bad)
• Octopus (chewy. Very chewy)
• Raw salmon (loved)

It’s amazing too how… safe it is here. Kids are constantly walking around by themselves. Even in Tokyo, you see people leave their bags several steps away to go buy a ticket…. with no fear or it getting snatched. I’m still cautious, of course, but it’s interesting to see the trust in everyone.

The amount of American restaurants here is more than what I thought. KFC (Tokyo), McDonalds, Outback (Tokyo), TGI Fridays (Tokyo), Burger King, Starbucks. Also they have 7-11’s here. Yes, the gas station. Except it’s not usually a gas station, it’s just a convenience store. The Japanese manager said that his Japanese wife thought 7-11’s originated in Japan. I’m proud to say that I’ve only eaten at one American restaurant (TGI Fridays) and sad to say that it was the worst service we’ve had here yet. Sigh.

Another misconception I had was that the Japanese were easily offended and that if I didn’t eat something the right way or whatever that they would scoff at me and think “Dumb American!”. This is so not true. Again with the nice thing, they just want you to have a good time so it’s more about what makes me comfortable than what’s proper. Don’t get me wrong, I still try to do things the correct way, but obviously I’m not going to know every custom.

Chopsticks? Are not that difficult to use. Most places will give you a fork if you asked but I was determined to use chopsticks. And I’m able to eat rice and noodles with them so I’m considering my chopstickness a success.

 Have any of you been to Japan?