The Cubicle’s Backporch

::Warning: Embarrassing story ahead::

Marshmallows.

I have never liked speaking in front of crowds. I tend to talk to fast, forget to breath, and sometimes just to add a little color to my speech, I turn red. This has gotten worse with the weight I’ve gained. At least when I was thinner, I was more confident.

Marshmallows.

I had to take a Communications class when I was a freshman in college. I dreaded that class like nerds dread gym. This was before I declared my major, and ironically I was in the class with a bunch of engineering majors. (Who were indeed, very nerdy)

The first DAY (FIRST. DAY.) we had to pick a topic from a random draw and give a 1-minute speech about it the following class. I chose mine.

Marshmallows.

Doesn’t seem hard, does it?

Well, the only thing that kept going through my mind was how Marshmallows are like Men.

(Rule 1: When in a class with 95% males, they do NOT find it funny when comparing food to their gender)

So I wrote out my short little speech.

(Rule 2: If you have doubts about the speech, you’re probably right- it is NOT A GOOD IDEA)
I can’t remember what my first two comparisons were. I’m sure they were fairly boring since the last comparision was the climax of my speech.

Oh- I thought- how they’d all erupt in laughter! It’d be so funny I’d get an A+! I could do this!

“…and the last reason men are like marshmallows? You get them nice and hot… and they explode.”

Cue the crickets. Then a sudden burst of (sympathy?) laughter from the professor (who was a round, older woman) as I sat down.

I still can’t believe I said that.

(Follow that up with a speech about Britney Spears and I definitely gave that professor something to laugh about with her friends)

(Rule 3: Nerds who probably aren’t getting laid on a regular basis don’t find jokes referring to sexual things funny)

I wore Secret Platinum deoderant FOREVER. Like ever since I could remember. I tried to switch brands once or twice, but I ended up with err- well, less than perfect results. So I stuck with Secret Platinum b/c it worked.

Then about a year or so ago, I noticed that Wal-Fart was no longer re-stocking the Platinum. Just the cheaper “Flawless” and the more expensive “Clinical Strength” stuff. And soon after that, Platinum was gone off their shelves, and the “Flawless” had slipped into the Platinum price.

The whole point of this is that I REFUSE TO PAY $12.00+ for deoderant. I really think that they took away the Platinum line so that people would have to buy the Clinical Strength b/c the Flawless? IS FULL OF STINKY, DAMP FLAWS. If you know what I mean.

I’ve tried Dove. I’ve tried Degree. Nothing works like Secret Platinum did.

What deoderant do you use? Does it work? Even if you work out? I’m really hoping to not have to pay $12.00 a pop for deoderant.

I didn’t become an engineer because I was good at Math. In fact, Math was my worst subject. English and Science were what I was good at.

But, I chose engineering because I wanted a challenge. And picking a career that is focused on your weakest subject? Is a challenge.  But I also chose it because it is considered a male-dominated field. “Ha!” I thought, “I’ll show them!”

I’ve always thought when faced with issues-related-to-the-fact-I’m-a-female I would be strong. And walk around with my fist in the air and yelling things like “Girls Rule! Boys Drool!”

And last week I finally got tested on my theory as to how I would react.

We had an issue at work which required some investigation. For whatever reason, to figure out this issue, there were about 12 people standing around one piece of equipment all throwing out ideas. This is a bad idea b/c of the range of people (General Manager to Operator) and also b/c you can’t get anything figured out with so many opinions being thrown out.

I was trying to test a theory and had a maintenance worker (We’ll call him Brad, b/c Brad is kind of an ass-hole name) set up a situation in which I thought the machine would fail. He got it set up, then was explaining how it works to another manager.

“Brad,” I asked “Can you go ahead and run this part? The GM wants to see it run normally so let’s get this out of the way.”

Brad waved me off and I quieted down to let him finish.

A couple minutes later, the part had still not been ran, and the General Manager had repeated 3 times “Let’s just see the machine run normally.”

So again, I said “Hey Brad! Can you go ahead and run this part? Let’s get this over with.” I wasn’t angry, just wanted to get this done so I could move on.

Again, no response.

So, I elevated my voice and said “Brad, just run the freakin part! Just run it! Just do it!”

I was totally kidding around. Honestly. I mean, there was 25% of truthfulness to my words, but I wasn’t ANGRY or FORCEFUL.

Then Brad turned to me, gave me a look that would kill, and ran the part. And I knew that he had taken my jesting to be me, a female, telling him, a male, what to do. In front of managers.

And I knew then that we had finally crossed that line.

I had been warned that Brad was a male chauvinist. He had divorced his first wife and then went overseas to get (what he claims) a wife who wouldn’t talk back to him. “Women,” a coworker explained to me, “only have 3 purposes according to Brad. Cooking, Cleaning, and you can guess the other thing.”

So, whatever. Brad and I would joke around. He was friendly to me. But I noticed the slight hesitation when I’d ask him to do something (something that was part of his job and that needed to be done.) So I knew, I KNEW that we would butt heads one day.

But I had no idea that it would be over something as trivial as that.

I knew he was mad at me. FURIOUS even. B/c every time I would turn around, his glare would be burning right into me. I tried to blow it off by saying “So, Brad, what do you think the problem is?” And he wouldn’t even acknowledge me. Until the general manager, him, myself, and another manager were standing in a circle and he said “I KNOW what the problem is. Jennifer was over here talking to the operator earlier and distracted him. THAT caused him to run a bad part.”

I was stunned. REALLY? He was REALLY going to play that dirty?

But I responded with a calm “Yeah, that can’t be it because he didn’t run a part the whole time I was talking to him.”

So the group finally dispersed and I whispered to another maintenance worker that I was pretty sure I had pissed Brad off. “Ah,” he said, “He’ll get over it.”

But then I panicked. Just a little. His dad is the Union Boss. What if he turned everyone against me? What if b/c of one little sentence, the operators would hate me? What if I needed to test something out that involved him? What if…

I realized how right I was about pissing him off when a coworker came to me and informed me that I had indeed pissed him off because he had been sitting in a room not talking to ANYONE since it happened. He had also claimed that had the General Manager not been there, he would have told me exactly what he thought of me. (Not sure what he meant by that. Maybe he would tell me I’m over-weight? or ugly? Or stupid?) Oh- and a fellow engineer (the one I call the project stealer) had told him that I was “Young and didn’t know anything.”

I was in shock. How had I went from being the engineer-who-everyone-liked to the bitch? In one hour?

That night, I thought about it. And after thinking through the whole situation, Yes, I could have handled it better. But it was going to happen sooner or later. And I need to get over the ‘need everyone to like me’ thing. I DON’T need everyone to like me. And if he wants to turn everyone against me, fine. So be it. I was just going to have to make sure all my bases were covered when dealing with him. B/c he would use whatever he could against me.

So that was my first dose of reality. So far I haven’t said anything to him. And the Union Boss is retiring tomorrow. And I haven’t picked up on any animosity from the other operators.

I know this isn’t the last time something like this will happen. And really, it’s probably impressive that it’s taken this long for something like this TO happen. But I’m stronger for it. And next time when I tell him to run a part… he better run the fuckin part.

I love Slynnro. I love that she loves clothes. And that she recommends clothes purchases to people. And I’ve even tried to start my own “Clothes I like” blog. But even I picked up on the fact that no one really wants to read about how I found this ‘great shirt’ at Old Navy that was only $3.00, and it makes me look like I’m a pregnant tent.

But if there’s one thing I AM good at, it’s finding home stuff.  Doing remodel work on the lakehouse has made me appreciate a good find. Especially a good find that is worthy of my hard earned money. So I started a “Jen’s Home Bargain Blog” to share my finds and hints. Some of the stuff I’ve talked about on this blog, some I haven’t.

But if you’re in the remodel market, feel free to check it out. Or suggest things you’ve used that you love.

JEN’S HOME BARGAIN BLOG

So I was going to take a picture of the artic we call home, and be all “Let’s play find the road! Can you find the road? NO?! That’s b/c there’s too much FUCKING snow! And you can’t even tell where the road is!” But then I looked outside and the wind is blowing and it’s STILL snowing and the huge pile of ice/snow makes it impossible to open the front door. So no picture. But believe me, it’s horrid out there.

And I’m in the midst of a snow-depression. Between the stress of driving 56 miles (one way!) to work on roads that usually have some snow and ice on them and the stress of calling in to work (the place I work? Fires people like it’s their JOB to fire people) due to fear of DYING? Is weighing heavily on me. BLAH.

So here are some random, funny-because-they-arent-funny things that have happened recently:

1.) I use plastic grocery bags for a variety of things. One of those things being that I use them to clean out the kitty litter box. Well, I actually ran out of plastic bags last week. (And really? Who DOES THAT?) But I had to make a quick stop at Wal-Fart to pick up some blank DVDs and turtle food. So I figured they’d give me a plastic bag and I would be good for another week of kitty litter cleaning. Well, they gave me this MINIATURE bag that barely held the blank cds I bought. And instead of asking for a bigger bag, I just laughed. B/c the one fucking time I needed a normal size bag? I get a miniature bag.

2.) B/c of the frigid temperatures (single digits plus negative wind chills) we’ve been letting our outside dog come inside. He’s house-trained, so it’s no biggy there. But apparently he likes to eat the turtle food (see Story #1). Turtle food is like dried worms and crap. AND HE ATE A WHOLE CONTAINER OF IT before I caught him. WTF?

3.) Also related to Story #1. I’ve been trying to rent Love Happens from Redbox. So one night, I actually caught it and 2 other movies I’ve been wanting to see. So I rented all 3. I only watched 2 of them so I took those two back and noticed that Ah-ha! They had Love Happens. So I rented it. And got home and realized that DUH- I had already rented Love Happens the first time. So I have 2 Love Happens Dvds sitting on the table. And b/c of the snow? and the fact that when we went out yesterday I forgot to return them? I’m on Day 4 of Love Happens DVD 1 and Day 3 of Love Happens DVD 2. I know that it’s only a dollar a night, but sheesh. I’m now up to $7.00 b/c I couldn’t remember that I had already rented the movie the day BEFORE. Argh.

4.) I don’t want to say too much on this subject. But. I like my job. I like that I can be creative and that my boss (and his boss) are great about letting me do projects that I come up with. But. There are some parts of my job that have really been getting to me. Like an engineer who is twice my age trying to steal my projects. And dealing with a worker who doesn’t take directions from women well. And hearing managers make fun of someone they recently fired. (Granted, he wasn’t a good person for the position, but really? The professionalism needs a step up) And I’ve been having these horrible dreams that leave me feeling disoriented and like I didn’t sleep at all. I’m not sure if the two are related but I’m starting to really wonder how people who just HATE their jobs do it.

Scene: MrC has just gotten out of the shower.

Me: Did you grab the new body wash from underneath the sink?

MrC: No. I just used the purple bottle of stuff.

Me: You mean the In-Shower Body Lotion?

MrC: I guess.

::Pause::

MrC: Is that stuff supposed to stay on your skin? Because it didn’t clean very well.

Me: Yes. And it didn’t clean because it’s a LOTION. And it has shimmer stuff in it. So you’re SHIMMERY.

MrC: Well I guess I’m going to have to shimmer today.

And that, my friends, is how I found myself with a shimmery boyfriend. And also how I will never have to worry about MrC using the purple stuff again.

I crack up every time I see this picture.

It’s my parents with my nieces and nephews.

The babies are all “What the hell?” My oldest nephew is smiling. The one in the red is smiling also (I’m not sure where he learned to smile like that) and then the other 2 are just crying and screaming their heads off.

Oh- and my dad has the “Where the HELL is my beer?” look on his face. hee hee.

I’m not trying to brag or anything…

but Martha Steward will probably be calling me any minute to ask me how I do such a superb wrapping job.

It’s like the wrapping paper has no end, it just flows together. Seamlessly. Perfectly.

Sometimes, just for fun, I like to put in a ‘peephole’. It really drives people crazy when they can see just a little part of the gift.

The peephole is not something that is taught easily. It must be preceded by years of frustrating failure. And then one day, it just magically appears in your arsenal of gift wrapping secrets.

I hope you wrap better than I do. 

And have a fabulous Christmas!!! 

Last summer, some friends of ours asked if we wanted to go to Lake Cumberland. (NOT the lake we have a house at) We said yes, b/c we’re always up for doing new things but I wasn’t really looking forward to it. I mean, what would be so different about this lake?

Little did I know that this particular weekend (The Poker Run Weekend) was known for its CRAZINESS. Think of a “Mardi Gras on the water” type of thing.

First off the Poker Run takes place with very big, very expensive, very fast boats. Neat. Then everyone heads to this little cove area (there were so many boats pulling in that you had to push yourself away from the other boats, there was no way to avoid them by steering alone) and the party starts.

These guys were on the houseboat across from us:

Creative, no?

And of course there was Gorilla Man:

And Interesting-Hat-Guy:

I saw so many b00bs that day. And if the Poker Run is representative of the female population, 90% of females out there have implants.

These were friends of ours on the boat next to us. The guy is passed out and that old guy bending over his boat (who was NOT a friend of ours) kept sticking his finger in our friend’s belly button.  At the time it was pretty funny but now that I think back on it- VERY WEIRD Mr. STRANGER!

Also? I’m not one to criticize parenting, but bringing kids to this? I’m not sure WHY IN THE HELL you would ever do that.  I mean, there were tons of girls there who weren’t even wearing a top. AT ALL. So they couldn’t have covered up if they wanted (and were sober enough) to. What do you guys think?

You might be wondering where the cops were in all this. And they were there (working, not for fun). In fact, the boat next to us got in trouble. The girl (you can see her in the picture in the yellow bikini) had been flashing her b00bs all day. Then she started throwing up and went and passed out. Well, she got up and her boyfriend was taking pictures of other girls (which, hello! Everyone was doing it!) and she got PISSED and started beating the shit out of him. Well, the cops were rolling by at that time and had her get on their boat to talk to them. She convinced them that everything was fine and they went on their merry little way.

But really? You can’t go to something like this and be a jealous person.  After about 2:00pm or so, a paramedic started riding with the cops. You can tell this ain’t their first rodeo!

Overall, it’s a great place for old perverts. Like this one:

But really it was a lot of fun and no one was there to start trouble, everyone just wanted to have fun.

We’ve already reserved our cabin for next year.

Have you guys ever been to anything like this?

Make sure you keep an eye on your snowmen…